The “Please Stop Doing That” List

There is enough awfulness in the world. Don’t even bother to turn on the news or check your phone. I guarantee you will find enough news in there to bury yourself in ball full of blankets, cry dramatically, and start googling pictures of dogs walking with booties on.

Source: Giphy

So I get really bananas when people do things that are just plain annoying. Or inconsiderate. Or just generally make the world even worse when none of us need that kind of negativity in our lives. Are you ready to rage? Good! I even included some solutions for these encounters. Let’s go.

1. Talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom.

What’s that? You walked into a stall while still on the phone? Why? I don’t care how close you are to the person on the other line, none of us want OUR potty time interrupted by YOUR inconsideration. Do you want to know how to make someone end the call?

Solution: I flush uncontrollably, blast the hand dryers, and sometimes –when the person is really annoying– start making loud sounds to get things really uncomfortable.

Source: IFC/Giphy
2.  Door Holding; Door slamming in your face

Have you ever held the door open for someone and they just walked through and didn’t say “thank you”? Rude. Have you ever had someone walk through a door and you are *RIGHT* behind them and they just let it slam in your face? Double-rude.

Solution: Loudly say “YOU’RE WELCOME!” when they don’t thank you. Loudly shout “OH THANK YOU KIND SIR (MADAM)” when you open the door back up. I guarantee you will make either situation extremely uncomfortable and maybe even provide the necessary catalyst for them to hold the door or remember their fucking manners next time. But this is America, so probably not.

3. Driving off the side of the road to pass other cars all stuck in traffic

Ohhhh, this one gets me. Picture it, because it just happened this fucking morning: You are on the exit ramp or any part of the road and everyone is stuck. As in, accident up ahead and it’s most likely an awful one because the highway or road is completely blocked. We are all sitting here in Park or pushing on our brakes even harder because it somehow makes it feel like we are punishing the pedal since we can’t do anything else about waiting. It sucks. Sucks way more for those involved in the accident, but it still sucks. So don’t be the asshole who starts to creep along the shoulder, OR WORSE, off the road to scooch up just a few car spaces ahead then put your turn signal on to get in front of the next car. I want everyone to note that I had it today. I just laid on my horn. And held it. Then flicked off the drivers doing it. I rolled down my window at one point and shouted:


I had a hangry baby in the backseat who was 30 minutes past breakfast and the sad banana I gave her just wasn’t gonna cut it. Do not cross me. I’m a raging mom in a minivan who is already hating herself for owning a minivan. Just continue to blow the horn. It feels good. Who cares.

Solution: Honking. Excessive honking. A few middle fingers. Get your kids to also flick them off.  Sit patiently and try to resist the rage.

4. Hair all over a public bathroom

Ugh. Gag. Barf.

This is disgusting. I can already picture my brother gagging reading this. He has a really weird fear of hair that is not attached to the body and it grosses him out. I hope he never sees what I see in our public bathrooms at my work.

It’s only cute when Stimpy does it. (Source: Giphy)

Hair. Everywhere. I get out of the stall and there it is. A hairball on the ground. A pile of strands next to it. I step AROUND it and get to the sink. WHERE THERE IS HAIR ALL OVER THE SINK AND *IN* THE SINK. Why? Why are you grooming at work/school? Please stop. Take your hairbrush and big head home and do it there. Or in your car. Or outside in the street where it’s out of the view of the bathroom I visit 18 times a day because I drink too much coffee.

I swear, we have 14 Cousin Its roaming around in our building. And I never seem to catch them in the act so I can awkwardly recoil away from them when they start brushing. You gonna get our your razor and start shaving in the sink, too? Oh, is that only in the evenings at restaurants that you do that?

cousin it
I wonder how many will actually get this reference. I’m old. (Source: Giphy)

Solution: Call the janitor. Call your representative. Call the non-emergency number. (Just kidding, don’t do that. I don’t think public hair shedding is a crime…yet.)

5. Playing music out loud to yourself or streaming videos out loud for your own viewing

Not all of us like your music. In fact, I HATE your music. I don’t know it. I don’t know the artist. And I don’t know why he keeps talking about how his girl left him at the airport and now he’s boohoo’ing about his truck getting run over by a heard of pigs. That may or may not have been the lyrics. I was too busy puking from the hair in the sink when you were playing it next to me in the bathroom.

(Source: Giphy)

Or how about those who watch TV or movies in public? You ever stop to think that MAYBE some of us watch the show as well and haven’t seen the latest episode and DON’T KNOW HOW JACK DIED IN A FIRE BUT NOT REALLY IN THE FIRE?!?

Oh, did I spoil that for you? I’m sorry. It’s been a tough week of hairballs, sitting on interstate ramps, and listening to pig herds talk on their cell phones while on the toilet. I don’t even have a solution for this one other than to start playing the worst song you can think of. No, wait! Play Nickelback. There you go.


The end.


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